Attention Players:this is your 24 hour guide

Attention Players: This is your 24 Hour Guide


Disclaimer: This article is intended for all the players and pimps. In other words, the inebriated, bottom-dwellers who only think they are men.


First of all, Mr. Hate-the-Game-Not-the-Player, put you shirt back on. We're not impressed with your chest, and regardless of what you think, those aren't abs. They're ribs. That's what happens when you sniff your breakfast in the morning. So, do all of us a favor and quit strutting around half-naked like your God's gift to women. The only person that is paying attention to you is you.

And quit saying you're a "playa"--you're a "player." If you are going to live in this country, try to at least learn our language. Ebonics isn't a language, and it's not cool, hip, or fly to act like you have the vocabulary of a kindergartener. Just because you can impress middle school girls does not make desirable. In fact, it makes you pathetic. I'd rather clean the pan under my refrigerator than hear your "Hit it and quit it" strategy for getting girls.

Speaking of quitting, quit acting like you lived the hard-knocked life, grew up on the streets, and fought your way to success. You grew up in the Hamptons, and the reason you are wearing $200 designer jeans is because Daddy is paying for them. We don't doubt you have money, but we all know it isnt yours. It takes all the skill and intelligence of Spam to have your parents support you when you are 28. You could probably pay your own rent, but your day job working the drive-thru at McDonalds just won't cut it.

We get it--you want sex not intimacy, quickies not quality, lust not love. You drive a big truck, have big bucks, and sport a big ego. I'm sure its all done to compensate for that "little" problem you have in those designer jeans. If you constantly talk about getting laid and getting drunk in the bar, it is usually a good indicator that you have zero confidence and the spine of a jelly-fish. Let it go. We're not impressed.

And just because you dress like a celebrity and hang out with them doesn't make you important. In fact, most of our celebrities aren't important, either, and yet they still wont even give you the time of day. Is it any surprise that most women would rather lick the tire of a farm tractor than give you a kiss? Who knows where your mouth has been.

And one more thing--if you cross, bad-mouth, or intimidate those who demonstrate faith or desire real love one more time, I'm taking the gloves off. You can brag about your threesomes and porn parties all you want, but if you mess with God's people one more time then I'm calling Guido and we are going to turn into six feet of lumps. We won't hesitate to fit you for cement shoes--let's see how smooth you are trying to moonwalk at the bottom of the Potomac.

Real men don't need to rely on sex or money to get a girl's number. We have that one thing you'll never have--class.

www.jasonillian.com